Sigh!

aahhhhhhhhhh!!!

They say even a sigh – has a history!!

So true! Just observing that one single breath can tell you wat you really feel! Something u’ve been pondering on for days, weeks, maybe months! But that one lil’ breath.. is your acceptance… to take life as it comes! Coem to think of it…its the most honest gesture we make!

Atleast I do!

Why am I sighing?? Coz… I have been struggling to accept!
If you ask me wats wrong…I’d say eveything’z just right……and dat is just wat is wrong!

Those who find ane sense in the above statement…can read on..
...otherz who dismiss it as a weird mind’s weird thinking…may as well…not bother….I’ll understand…everything will sound insignificant naturally!
..
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But for those of u do…and find some truth in the statement…

I’d like to share a story

When I was kid… I used to think that there’s a big bad world out there (never understanding y is it bad)…and the only responsibility u have is to make sure…u have at least one ‘good’ story to tell at the end…wen you die (and dats got to be urz)
So I dint hate it, the big bad world, much then…just dismissed it …as it wasn’t worth it!

But as I grew up… sumwer I gave in…just for a while…and let it hurt me…and that’s when I started hating it…
And for yrz…the pain continued

Dats when I actually developed the habit of remembering (instead of just ‘completely’ living in the present)…good memories became ‘important’…coz they stemmed hope…despite anything and everything!
And each moment .. I decided to live on…I thought I’d won it!

Until I realized …the choices that ‘I’ ‘had’ ‘made’!

The choice of rejecting…resenting the present
Yet living it
The choice of crying out aloud
Like the whole world was to blame
The choice of choosing the image of ‘good’
The choice of being ‘good’
The choice to live ‘it’
The choice to not let go
To remember things
Both good and bad
And the choice
‘To judge’

((Aaah…if I were asked today ‘what is it that you’d like to pass on’ .. the only information .. to make sure that the world lives on… I’d say my love…don’t judge! Neither thee, nor thy love…nor urself…nor any human on the face of the earth…or beyond…please don’t ‘judge’…and u shall then live my dear…for wat u actually came for!

But yeh! Since no one is asking me ;) I better get back to my story…))

And what do you think happenz when you start to judge..??? y my dear.. you become the queen of your own world…and u start living her…the image let me remind u!

Oh varied and vivid were the images I tell you…the ones that I have lived…and imagined…and brought them into my reality!
Fighting for ideals
Beliefz
Strength to strength
Moment to moment
All the while…moving towards a goal

Until I realized…
That there was no goal
That my goal was me
My image

The one I had already chosen
I was already living!

Oh yeh! The reality!

You see…all this while…I was convinced…that I was right…I was correct…I was good… I was strong…I was human…like one ought to be…I was …
Sigh!
I accept it…dat was me! And I don’t regret it a bit!

The reality confused me for a while!
But then, the day I smiled at it…it smiled back!

And today I still smile at it…just that I haven’t merged it yet! Am better frndz with it…and therefore…I ‘survive’ despite ‘it ’… but oh! how I still get confused…
The fact that my reality is my choice!

The hurt is different now .. u see..
The struggle has an irony to it
Atleast in my mind
Although…this is the only truth or the ‘kind of’ truth…am confident…that am ever to find!

What surprises me is that…in so many years of my life…I haven’t yet learned to love!

Ohh wat a waste it seemz!
Such a simple thing and I dunno it!
I still look for it…
Around corners and bushes
When the reality
Is that its an illusion to look for it

You search…its natural…
Not look

And the search, my dear, is in ur own heart…the only reazon y god made a heart!

The only responsibility you have therefore…is to make sure you listen to it…and not grow alien to her language as you add yearz!
I did that…and dats all that I lament…


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But…dear heart…I still have sumthing to offer u… my life!

I am living for u…I shall live for u! (aaa…Atleast either of the statement’s is correct!)

Its sort of became an unknown territory for me…but I promise you that I’d tread it! hoping that to find the strength in trust…(aaah…look at the irony)…something that I’d taken away from u!

I wonder now…who serves the other?? Is it my heart talking it out…or is it me?

Either wayz…this is the clearest my mind gets…for the moment!
I repeat...those who understand a strand…can hang on to the thought…the truth part of it!

Otherz…
…mite as well not bother…
….I’ll understand…everything will sound insignificant naturally!!