At times

I cant breathe!

Thoughts crowd me
They have colours
Different ones
Some like embers
Others
Dried leaves

I have
All of them

And they
Do not spare
Me

A single moment
A single experience

And they separate
me
from you

An Artemis from Miriam

I U ME US
Separate entities
Yet all together

At times
They come alive
At the same moment

And I..
I can’t breathe!

I keep whispering..

Ofcrz u r my illusion!

No doubt abt it!
I have ntn to do with u .. and u with me!
Am talking about real life honey!

The moments that am spending
Right here right now!

I know u r not going to come
I know I keep kidding myself

Even in thought
Even in reality
I play with my feelings
I know
Since I don’t have you to play with
I play with
The thought of you

May I?
I should have asked you earlier?
Coz you would have shunned the idea
Sure I should have asked
And sure I should have listened to you!

But nothing did happen
Nor you
Nor me
Nor the question
It never got to us!

Am bereaved at the thought at present
But that’s all right
I will move on!

I know you aren’t for real
And that life is too long to fiddle
With only an idea
I know you aren’t here
Not around
Even as I keep kidding myself

…

But know this
And I think you do

As I
Try
To run away
Far and forever

Every moment
As I realize
You aren’t true

Every minute that I find
Away from you

And that I do
Only
Fiddle with the idea
Of you

Every moment I realize
That you r now
But my illusion
And maybe nothing else
A ghost from the Christmas past

As I declare
To the world
My true intentions
And you as my illusion

After eons of such moments
After a collection
Coalition
…

After I convince myself
Am diseased
In my mind
And then begin to think
Its time I heal

.. after everything is over
And I am successful
And I live so ..

Here’s what I find

That I very
Very silently
Whisper all this to you

You
My real illusion
You my absence
You my presence
I whisper to you

And keep doing so
The story of my life

You happen to be my audience
I keep playing in front of

You happen to be friend
I keep sharing everything with

You happen to be my breath
Present each moment
Unattended
Yet vital

You happen to be my mind
You happen to be my heart
You keep listening to my heartbeat
Like even I don’t

I find myself then
After the war I wage against you is over
Whispering softly
Every single moment
Every single me
I keep whispering
And you … listening!


…

Az ur picture blurz…

I grope
The memories

I try to feel
The heartache

I memorise
Every line

I imagine
The past reeling

I stare
At your picture

I cry
But no tears

I laugh
But no reason

I feel
With no feelingz

I wonder
R u past?

I wish
Could u be present?

I confuse
You are
Or
You were

I stare
Do I still care?

I understand
Since I don’t feel much

I grow
Inside n outside
You

And I understand
You

And
I accept you

Wherever you are!
I do!