Thursday, November 25, 2010

दिल्ली का दिल.. वाकई उसके मौसम में बसता है...

चाहे लाइफ में साला कितना भी प्रोब्लेम्स हो..
बोस्स से जितने भी झगडे हों..
सुबह-सुबह मम्मी-पापा की usual... 'यू-क्नो-व्हाट' फिर हो..
यार दोस्त जितने भी busy क्यूँ न हो गए हों..
तुम्हारा crush  तुम्हारी ह़ी दोस्त पे लाइन क्यूँ न मार रहा हो..
तुम्हारी फेवरेट बुक पे coffee क्यूँ न गिर गयी हो..
traffic बैड से worse क्यूँ न हो गया हो..

साला.. एक बार दिल्ली में जाड़ा पड़ जाए ना ..
जब..
no धूप.. no छाँव..
खिलखिलाते फूल.. जहाँ देखो वहाँ fallen leaves..
और सबके चेहरों पे एक वही awesome सी मुस्कान..
और वो ठंडी हवा का झोंका ना....सब भुला देता है!
एक lean सा स्वेटर.. लाइफ का सबसे warm hug दे देता है..

सब भूल जाते हैं...के लाइफ में कितनी प्रोब्लेम्स हैं..
दिल्ली का मौसम.. वाकई..बस दिल में बस जाता है...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

No..i didn't think it would hurt.. I had lied to myself.

I thought I had it under my control. Really.
But this morning, just as some bile that I can feel rising inside me, I feel my mind, disturbed. Perturbed. I hadn't imagined it coming. At least, not blowing me up

For in my eyes too, I feel a slight wetness. And that is what, I suspect, is causing it all. That is just what, I hadn't anticipated.

So atleast one thing is clear as I follow my own thoughts. It is not about another living being, not about friends, nothing to do with his or her emotions, nor his or her actions. It is indeed to do with .. the bile or that slight witness.. both mine, both threatening me.

Uncomfortable they are. Angry they are. Amazing they are. Enemies, they tell me, they are. 

The kind that stick to you.. inside your own being. So that you just cannot detach yourself at the word go. They will perish only when you feed it with you entire attention. They will perish only when a certain part of you perishes with it. They will perish only when you go through those circles of emotions. The head is spinning, fingers typing out fast. Breathless. But I already know, these feeble attempts, to be of no use. I will have to get consumed, now or..till the moment I can fight. Get consumed, I will.

As I follow my own thoughts a lil' farther, I sense some strength..from some unknown source. Am confused by it now. I do not know what's coming. Or is it just a matter of time? Am thinking.


Already, it seems farce. Its true, but just why does it arise anyway? Experience tells me, fighting isn't exactly asked for.

Yet I know, that my fingers go on. I have already freed myself of the metal bangle, that I wore in the morn.. to stop it from slowing me down...

And now the breathlessness is settling down as a pain...and I know from now on, it shall settle into my eyes. Every other soul, shall view it. 

I feel the pain somewhere in the right side of my cast. My eyes are paining too. I had been wanting to sleep. Now I know, i won't be able to.
I hurt. I am. I hurt.  I bow my head. I raise it again. Oh why is it so difficult..losing? And well, not losing itself, but the idea of it, that that really hurts.

I knew what was going to happen. I saw it coming. Rather going away. But...as ever... its not the outside that eludes  me.. its the inside that takes me by surprise..

And I thought I had it under my control. Really.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A picturesque loner..


I watch him.. staring into the space...
An idiot he is..I think...but my smile at that thought, tells me.. he's all right!
..

One may cross those boundaries that make one's own country. One may sit alone at a cafe till the dead of the night. One may make friends with the lone waiter at that cafe. One may even just uselessly watch the smoke swirl, the world blur.. just a little..with some cool breeze on the face.. bumping a crooked nose..  and trying those careless curls.. just a lil'..  

One maybe lone.. but when is one ever alone?

For the boundaries that he has crossed, I suspect, he is still bound by the imprints that he'd left. For the cafe that he lounges at, all alone today.. I glimpse.. a number of memories surrounding him. And for every lone waiter who serves him.. I imagine.. he leaves a picturesque imagination for him.. of the slumped figure he poses. And as the smoke twirls once more.. he can't tell the difference in the effect, its taste...and he wonders why.

And all these ghosts, less present, more past, surround him. Not entirely picturesque. Not really audible.. but just like the smoke.. the effect surrounds him..

And he smiles. Just slightly. And then continues to sit, slumped, staring far ahead into nothing. Challenging nothing. Giving in nothing. For that moment.. he lives.. in that nothing..

I almost wonder in my own mind's eye.. is he even alive? Just then, a feeling brushes past me...I experience some cool breeze. And that brings me my answers. For it stirs him. The picturesque loner, at that unknown cafe.

For it brings him too.. some answers. It ain't telling.. nor him, nor anyone. Nor does it leave whispers all over the place. But all the same, carries them, from the time immemorial of a man's life, some answers he had whispered only to the wind...and today...it brings back to him, just those. Making him, just what he is.

I watch him, from the recesses of my own mind. I know nothing will be revealed. No secret of the past, nor present. But I know something will... so I shift my gaze...and watch not him, instead I start, to trace the path of the breeze... bumping over a crooked nose..trying some careless curls.. 

And I watch it, at work..
It wakes him.. softly..into the present..
It sweeps him.. and touches his very purpose..
It lulls him.. into the pleasure..
It leads him out of one reverie, into another..

He smiles, I suspect, just slightly. Orders for more food, or plays with more smoke. He lets no word out, no ink escapes his pen. He, but sits perched, savouring the present..

I watch him.. staring into the space...
An idiot he is..I think...but my smile at that thought, tells me.. he's all right!
..

Saturday, November 6, 2010

भीनी-भीनी सी कोई ..

...याद मुस्कुरा रही है...

कुछ ऐसा ह़ी सपना देखा था,
कुछ ऐसे ह़ी ख्वाब बुने थे,
और ज़िन्दगी से, सजदे में बैठ कर,
कुछ ऐसी ह़ी दुआ माँगी थी..

कुछ ऐसा प्यार.. जो प्यार न हो
कुछ ऐसा इकरार.. जो इकरार न हो
कुछ ऐसी मोहब्बत.. जो इनकार न हो
कुछ ऐसा रिश्ता..
जो इबादत से कम न हो..

भीनी-भीनी एक नज़र से,
पलकों के दायरे से ,
आज एक बूँद छलक गयी..
आरज़ू थी बोहत,
आज झलक मिल गयी...