Monday, October 26, 2009

I still have .. you in me!

All my bags are packed, am ready to go..
Am standing here, right outside your door..

I just don’t know what I am waiting for!

Is it one last peek at a sleeping you!
Is it one last kiss or a hug from you…
Just what is it that my heart longs for?

Its been ages that I’ve heard from you
It’s been a while .. I spoke to you
Been a lifetime that I’ve wanted you
But not a second… that I haven’t thought of you

I have packed
I have booked a flight

I have trekked
Uphill and downhill

I have cried enough
And I’ve laughed over it and forgotten

I am by myself
Like I have to be

Just what is that am waiting for?
Just what’s holding me here so long?
Is it you .. or just me.. Is it really you.. or just me?

If its me.. and I think it is..
Then all I need to is to pack myself off
If its me..
All I need is to look ahead and away
If its me..
I just need to leave!

But if its you…
As I dream by the day…
And wait for the night.. to dream more… and lay awake

If its you.. that holds me
In thought, in dream, in reality…

Then let me go…
I cant, by myself, do that

Please let me go…
For I might not remember the way back…
Coz I wont live…not a minute longer!

If I am to be me without you in me…
Then let me die…completely…peacefully…

Your thoughts keep me alive
Your memory is my elixir

Let me then slip
Into the slumber
Wake me up if you ever choose to

But let me go now
I still have you in me

I can’t, but live…
I can’t, but die…

Don’t know…
Just what is it that am waiting for!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A horizon.. rediscovered!


I went for a 15 day chutii... yes umm...plzzzzz blv that...!!

i went to the hillz of Himachal...oh my.. they are beautiful!

the air healz u!

i attended a 10 day meditation camp there... in a small village called Dharamkot .. 2 kmz upward trek from Mcleodganj..

in there .. u live in small cottage like cells .. very small...jst enough to accomodate a bed a small table..

you spend all your time in blocks of these rooms.. and a main meditation hall.. all situated in the midst of deodar trees..

u watch the sun rise .. behind and beyond the mountains surrounding you .. and forever pine for some sunshine.. the woods are soo thick that u cant but get only a specks of the yellow blush .. to soak urself.. and to stare at the sun.. eye to eye.. and as u r doing it.. living in that moment ..suddenly, everything goes black .. your eyes can percieve only blackness .. shapes in darkness .. but only darkness.. all but the shining ball of gold..

in that moment.. u achieve.. the nothingness!

well..almost!

Because it only takes a few seconds before the time ticks ur moment away.. the sun movez.. and then for a while .. they both watch you shifting and bending.. a lil or lot.. here and there.. in hope.. to catch that lost horizon again..

it dsnt last forever..

u sigh and continue to take ur walk .. u now start enjoying the cool breath.. thats going inside your body.. constantly..in and out.. in and out.. somwhere.. something.. reminds you of something someone said.. that you die each moment.. you are reborn every moment.. life is but for a moment..

The pathway is high n low .. upward n downward.. stepped and straight.. and narrow.. u can barely cross another co-meditator.. without brushing past.. and dats important..

there are rulez that u have to follow living in this self secluded camp.. u cant touch each other.. u cant kill anything or anyone.. u cant lie.. and u cant talk to each other!

Yes.. thats right.. they call it the Noble Silence! ten days of no contact .. with the outside world.. outside the city.. outside the boundary.. outside the main hall.. outside the dining hall.. outside your room.. outside the female walkway.. outside the air that u breath..

ten days.. of silence!

ofcourse itz crazy! and thats what i thought too.. the idea of not talking.. not chirping, not bellowing/howling.. lifez going topsy turvy aneway.. not expressing anything!! xcuse me.. whoever told these guys that this half urbane generation of young individuals... of a half baked society .. colourful n jazzy dreamz.. stumbling to find ways to achieve them.. quite often walking walk the sidey paths .. ((some go to the extent of reality but most in their mindz..)).. needs a pill of silence to swallow??? Cmmon’ we need more support.. not isolation.. we need more friends.. to take us through this or that new situation .. What kind of a place was this?

But sumhow .. in sum twisted format .. the idea suited me..

i didnt think i ever could ..but it turned out.. that i did!

I lived there.. in those woods.. sometimes happily so ..sometimes not..

To start with .. your days are spent discovering the discipline .. waking up at 4.. snoozing thru the first bout of meditation for the day.. brkfst at 6.30.. hot tea and brown bread, fruit and stuff.. you have an option of drinking green tea... Most of us would have both! And for a minute or five.. after you have eaten to your heart's content.. you come out ofthe dining hall .. and stand there or sit on the railing overlooking the woods and the peculiar 6.30 am sun...

Silently!

We ofcourse learnt to recognise each other... though the clothes, the tinkling anklets, the coloured,wired or plaited into a hundred locks hair.. (90% of ur team of stangers are foriegners)..people with monkey caps.. and some wearing only light jackets (Russians n Swiss).. Mexicans, Australians would dress fancy.. some Israelians.. are to be found in layers and layers of clothing ((your brain will never comprehend the style..)) but whatever they wear .. they will look like dolls! Ofcourse some Indians (like the two friends I went with) in Indian attire.. suits n kurtas, long skirts with the colourful jaipuri print..

I? For one – young brats like me underestimated the cold .. carried only two jackets .. out of which one was rendered useless… and I roamed in an orange sweatshirt – the warmest of my clothing.. for a good 9 dayz.
And two… I took care of ‘how I look’.. only on the day, day2, day3.

and that was it..

post the initial euphoria of the new place.. since u have NO mirrors anywhere.. and the only refugee are the glass panes on certain blocks which will reflect how u look at a certain time of the day with certain light conditions.. I realised nobody cared a shit! it was simply useless..

and u know how careful i am anyway.. DESPITE my whole world of frenz n mamma n papa and auntyz and unclez n cousins harping about how i should tie my hair up or what i should or should not wear .. or the long face they make staring at my never-gonna-e-is-it-style of stuff that i buy..
So MINUS all that.. imagine... how muchhhh i cared!

And the results showed.. although you are not allowed to even gesture/smile/communicate in any non verbal fashion.. i realised that my co- meditators started staring at me one day.. i knew then i must have crossed some limits..must be the untidy/uncombed hair.. or simply the change!

Aaahhh.. yes thats what they teach you there.. that all thingz change... the magic word - ANITYA - resoundz there! And towards the end.. long after you are out of the exile.. you'll find it resounding in your heart!

Theres only one man who talks the longest there -- the TEACHER! And he talks to you every evening through the audio visual medium of the idiot box that i work for!

Hez a cute man.. tanned.. dsnt have much of a colour sense too.. he wears shirts over checked.. tightly tied over the big ponch .. ((i realised much later -- that this during discourses in foreign countries.. not even an Indian audience-- aaaghhh!!!)))..

But despite the checked lungis.. he was the magic man! For one reason.. he was allowed to talk as much as he wanted to.. at a place where silence was Sacred. None of us minded him! Two.. he spoke your heart out.. for you.. every evening!

You listen to that man.. and you'd stop caring about the - "spread all over lighting, BLAND frame.. a low angle.. suddenly zooming out for some reason to include is better half.. and waking up to suddenly realize that the women NEVER speaks at all.. to zoom in again!" bah!
But .. you don’t mind it.. not when that man starts speaking!

He tells you the story.. about you! And takes you through an inner journey..

He becomes your questions.. he becomes your answers.. somehow he knows it all.. and even though it must have been more than 5 decades that he first sat through a similar self exile in Burma.. his memory doesn’t cheat him at all.. he throws light on every corner of your heart, head and whatever else makes you..

And he paves way for you.. to move ahead.. each evening.. he’ll tell you what to do with your body, heart and mind.. the next day!

And so you live through for ten dayz.. sometimes happy, sometimes unhappy, sometimes tearful. Restless souls like me remain very restless esply in the beginning.. and cry and run to the TEACHER – (oh yes! there’s a second all important man – the course mediator – in our case an elderly X Army brigadier) – and say – "Sir.. I cant do anything you tell me.. how am I supposed to deal with my thoughts? Umm.. I just forget to meditate.. I harmed some people in my thoughtz.. have I sinned?" (Actually, I had turned into a giant scorpion that afternoon and crushed every single enemy on this earth – ofcrz I didn’t tell him anything about my modus operandi).. whooo…!!

And he for one.. would simply brush you away.. NONONONONO! Its ok.. the mind wanders.. just come back.. and start observing your breath child! UFFFFFFFFF!!! Any question – the same answer! At least till some point!

I have always tried to like army men.. but they wouldn’t simply gimme a chance.. My parents used to drag me to a blue-eyed army doctor when I was a kid.. and he would terrify .. not just me but my parents as well. Well! this man was plue eyed too.. I decided against him!

So passed time.. So passed you.. in and out of realities.. in and out of your mind.. in and out of your heart.. in and out of your soul.. inside out.. inside out..

What happens meanwhile? You find yourself.. smiling and crying by turns. You will want to run to your cell…but you realize.. that it will be no different than in the middle of the at least 90 strangers + 1 hooked nose teacher and at least 3 asst teachers… you shed your long pending tears.. tears of clarity… think that you are a loser only to know the next day that you’ve got friends.. when you hear someone sniffing in that otherwise extremely peaceful hall..

I once heard my right hand side partner (you have allotted seats made up of bedding– what you call gaddas in Hindi).. laughing out.. ((it kept happening to all of us.. eyes closed .. roaming around in the world of your choice.. you cant help your sudden peals of laughter)). it was one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard ((the girl herself was one of the most beautiful girl I had ever seen—feminine perfection embodied – that was Jessica – a Swiss – I later learnt!! That explained why I would find the need to wrap myself in rugs .. and she would survive in thin jacket)

And meanwhile, suddenly at some point.. some blocks in your mind go plop…and you suddenly envision clarity.. and you know something about something that’s been on your mind for a long while.. and you are happy again.. finally!

the place is such that .. you are most likely to forget what made you happy or sad yesterday.. or even that particular morning as the days go by.. past is past... but it happens for sure.. and each hour shows a different version of life.. of time.. of thought…

It denies you nothing, it argues nothing.. it gives you everything that you want.. the place loves you unconditionally..

And that’s what you learn.. accepting the people around you unconditionally! Just the way they are! Your differences dissolve.. when you speak on the tenth day… (they call it breaking the silence – and trust me.. you actually have to make efforts -- to break it).. you look up people clear in the eye.. with neither pride nor prejudice.. either about urself or the other living being..

You simply be.. what you are!

And that’s the most beautiful feeling I have ever known! Actually its not a feeling its something else! That truth.. even after all these pages.. I cant explain! You have to be there to know!

Let me warn you .. there's a discipline that you have to follow... The 8-9 mandatory group meditation in the hall .. the 9-11 meditation …having lunch at 11 am (bah! We think of ‘what’s-for-breakfast’ at that time back home)…afternoon walks bwn 12-1, competing for a lil space of space sunlight.. with monkeys around…1-2.30pm spent duration of eyes closed.. 2.30-3.30 of looking inside yourself—breaks in between and – explore yourself more bwn 3.30 to 5…

And the 5 pm gong ((of the bell that hangs from the tree outside the Dhamma meditation hall)) was the most special! You get amazing tea ((as much as you want)) plus mur muras ((as much as you want)) and fruit (only one each!).. and just outside the dining hall.. the amazing fading sunlight… and you sit and contemplate whatever you want.. or like me, contemplate nothing!

You just enjoy that moment before you can see the sun again.. and well! even food! Yah! This we realized on the Day1 of the course… tea is you last meal for the day@5pm! Hahahahahhaaha!! It was indeed a shock! But you know what.. you survive… you DON’T feel hungry at night! Yes that’s coming from an absolutely-undisciplined-about-food & care-a-shit-about-calories-or-how-many-pounds-I-gain media gal!

You feed mainly on the evening discourse by the lungi man inside the TV ..

But you do survive! Somewhere, you begin to feel the freedom to be with yourself in the midst of teh rulez! You slowly realize that it isn’t the environment outside that plays the havoc.. but the storms inside! There's a consatnt inner dialogue…and you are never alone.. you get in touch with yourself…all over again!

So for ten dayz my dear… I just sat and contemplated life… and cut myself from the past and the future… and I sat with a monkey…without feeling scared…I sat without a word.. accepting life just the way it is… and there's a danger!

You start liking it!

I even started liking that hooked-nose-X-army-always-sitting-straight-up-statue-of-man! He did finally answer some of my questions to my satisfaction .. and the asst teachers .. are truly beautiful... they serve you lovingly and unconditionally...without a trace of aversion nor any craving.

I made flowers out of dead wooden petals of deodar trees for two of them.. stuff picked up during the afternoon walkz! I made two more for my loving friends who brought me to this place..

...

I liked the beautiful deodar trees! Sometimes from the pathway.. when you look downwards…you will find Tibetan monks trekking down the path. At times, you also ((accidentally:)) peek into the men’s side of the mountain view! You look at the world around .. and you find a place for yourself…loved by life.. You start liking life!

Even in tears, in dejection, in depression, in solitude, in sudden peals of laughter, in singing aloud secretly in your room (when the co-mediator is just seperated byt a thin wall of breaks.. and there are tiny holes that u can peep in)... in talking to yourself, doing your own bed, in applying the borrowed Borolyn over the afflicted wounds, courtesy the mosquitoes and various other species, even thorns of the harmless looking plants that you brush past ..

In realization, in satisfaction, in restlessness, in one moment.. in another, in a state of zero understanding .. even in nothingness… you start liking it!

...

There was this man who once asked me... Do you know what's love? I had said then "who's figured that one out boss? Not me atleast!" Today though.. i have a different notion..

Sitting there .. amidst those Deaodar trees.. when i at myself.. i know I feel it! I then know...what it is! Love is when you love yourself! And just that is enough! I realised.. love is what makes life possible..

Metta ;)
Shalini

P.S – u r most obvsly not allowed to carry phones inside, no music/books…you don’t lock your rooms (you take an oath on day one that you are not going to steal) and you have to wash the utensils you have used.. and you have laundry services available!

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