When life throws lemons at you…

When life throws lemons at you…make lemonade – they say!

But as I realize itz not easy!

You see you cannot make lemonade just like that! The idea is.. thanda thanda cool cool! But dude! U got to know the KNOW-HOW! here’s a small guide…

Umm…lezz look at wat all we need… the right amount of water (I think to start with)…or maybe…start with lemons..

So you cant make lemonade out of all the f*ing lemonz that r thrown at u…((I think there has to be a show stopper as well!)) But you have to pick up the right number…
What I mean.. you have to segregate your feelingz…

There will be all kindz of lemonz – (BAH! Yes therez a variety in the variety of lemonz that I am talking about) and all sizes of lemonz (here time, priority, stage in life and ur perception of all these–play a role!)

So STEP 1 --pick the right number of lemons…

I’d say pick up the biggest and the juiciest ones first … maybe it’d hurt less then!
But I dunno .. sumtimes it’s the simplest and the smallest of feelingz that hurt you the most!

STEP 2
Then you ready some sugar I think!

U have to make sure u have cheeni man! Cheeni kam hone se nahi chalega…
Dats y they say …frenz r important! They r like ur sugar..and all d lemonz in the world will just stay lemonz if u dun have ur sugar to turn it into lemonade! They’ll just keep hurting!

Sugar also teaches you to be sweet – to the world around you… although I personally think that it can nvr taste itself!

U will be surprised – if u ever realize – how much ur frenz (d real onez) do for u .. just accept u the way u r..
((rest all r fellow travelers lemme tell u .. the onez who suddenly pop up .. wave at u in recognition…leave a mark on ur hard disk.. but move on … with sum u r left wishing that they nvr nvr move on! But… ))

but real frenz… they stick on.. and they are ur best teacherz…. Afterall they have learnt to deal with the person that is U .. sth that u urself haven’t been able to deal with yet!

STEP3
Then water…dats ur life source! Remember that and remember that well! and dats got to be u … I’ll tell u y!

U n I r at this point .. an ocean of emotions inside (I know bec u see …life chooses xactly that point to throw lemonz at u)..
an ocean which has no deen-imaan of waves, tides…sumtimes Tsunameezzz… yeh! Am sure you know wat am talking abt! One moment it is iz this… and the other .. it is that…
In fact … ((in this particular aspect…)) I can now count my life in terms of seconds.. minutes.. hourz…days, nightz, eveningz, sunsetz, mornignz, cool breezes, hot afternoonz…weekz, monthz… and in some casezz… yearz! The thoughtz n intentionz are ever changing at each levelz and to that extent!

Anewe…we were learning how to make lemonade!

So the water .. first has to be clean n clear! ((Obvsly it wudnt show a bit later)) but to start with…it’ll matter!
You will have to segregate ur feelingz… see them as clearly as you would look thru a transparent jug of water… this is important …and here’s why!

First up… you’ll have to face urself…wat u feel – wat u think – and y u r acting the way u r! and yes… how much it IS hurting u! Even if its shit, even if its crap, even if its scary…but there’s no escaping from the this one person in the world – urself! cry it if u have to…but NIKE!

Second, study REFRACTION! Its important!
Understand the nature of ur own perception of the situation…Its like looking thru a transparent jug of water!
That’s once you have cleared the water – of the various particles that might be clouding ur vision –once you have identified ur feelings…here’s what you u do!

Imagine looking thru a transparent jug of water! U see a jug .. you see water .. but you’ll also…LOOK BEYOND! That’s the important thing!
I am not saying that the image will not be distorted! Laws of refraction dude! But I realized…they don’t teach you only science!

The difference between the distorted image and the real image .. is the difference between YOUR perception and the ACTUAL SITUATION!
You are at point A – the jug and water are POINT B. And POINT C is supposed to be the TRUTH – the actual reality.

However .. wat U n I see my friend – is the image…! The image that suits what we want to think – the image that’s guided by what you feel! The water u see is/are you feelings!

Am not saying you are seeing it wrong … what you feel is YOUR absolute truth for the moment!
But as long as you realize that this .. that ur truth… is your PERCEPTION…is YOUR feeling… you are doing fine my friend! That’s the reality! Your observation is complete in this second of time!

Hmmm…STEP 4 – ((uff am already tired ya! See .. I told you its not easy…I almost wanna NIKE!))
Anewe…. So you got ur feelingz, u got ur frenz who have learnt to deal with these feelingz of urz, and you realize that ur feelings are ur viewpoint…
heck… wat am I talking about!

Sry .. what I meant was … u’ve picked up lemons, you’ve got sugar and some water in a jug… umm…

I think the next step is to u mix them all up!
I swear this is the most bitter thing! Stirring dsnt come easy buddy!
There’s a moment when u go eureka – make that call on ur speed dial – wake ur best frnd up in the middle of the nite.. and say! f*! U know wat.. I dint realise this! You know wat am feeling like now..
cry, laugh or drool… just go on!

The next time you stir – the round that u make in the ocean, the water … therez more coming… itz crazy, itz fun, itz new, itz losing urself – each particle inside the jug is changing…
U r losing ur self created image ..

And then u stir more! You may have to juggle… adding, deleting or making up for each ingredient .. and see wat combo tastes right to u!
You cry – wail .. and like everything inside the jug – u do so silently! There will be moments of confusion, utter dismay and hatred! Of love and bonding .. and you r going to spend hourz being lost!

And then .. just like the way the sugar dissolves… just the way its extremely difficult to dissolve… yet .. dissolving only makes it sweeter… you will learn to dissolve ur thoughtz!
Just the way the lemons accept…the sweetness of the sugar.. even though its not itz own… you will my frnd learn to absorb the lessonz!

And just the way – the water – that plays the ocean – accepts both the lemonz and the sugar – two opposites – tastes and natures – thoughtz and feelingz… and allows into itself the tides and the wavez and the tsunameezz… you will my frnd .. in both ur head and heart – understand…accept and learn!

How it soo happenz in both cases…still amazes me! But it happenz… and dats wat is important!

And YOU my frnd!... will have learnt to make lemonade!
;)

first impressionz!

out of the blue..
white foam..
distances dissolve..

am sitting on the rocky steps
rubbing sand in my hands
trying to feel that am finally there..
with the stranger
my feet longed to lag
on the sand
but i satwith him
watching the sea
so vast
so dear

soon it was dark
cloudy
windy
yet i sat on the rock
straining to hear...the waves crashing
yet all i could listen to
was him

it was a new place
i had never been there
my fingers itched to draw a name on the sand..
at a familiar site..and watch if the waves would spill
but he went on ...
on his journey..
back in time
and i ...with him
and my eyes watched
out of the blue
the white foam...
the distances dissolve

he with dark brown eyes
mine black
our gaze met
only a few times
two different lives had come together
not by chance but by destiny
yet each wanted something else out of the other
but as we watched..
out of the blue
the white foam
the distances dissolved

i was angry
i did not get
what i thought i wanted
the waves didn't wash my feet
my clothes did not wet...
the sea water
i could not pick up the sea shells and choose the best
no time to buy the lil' souveniers i had promised...
back home

yet i went on with him
listening to him...
his life
and journeyed into the future

we watched together..
14 sea stations...
over the horizon
tiny lights
dots of hope

i felt nothing then
just peace
i said nothing then
just murmered

but as i write
my eyes are wet
my voice .. chokedwith gratitude
to the stranger...his soul
for nothing special...
he had nothing for me
but just for being there
for making me sit on that rock and listen
and not talk
for making me speechless
about myself
for letting me completely forget myself
my ego..had dissolved

and out of the blue
as the white foam
i saw something new
a new horizon

thank u.. stranger!

later.. in life!

missing u..stranger!

i dint know
dat we were not meant to be!

dose few moments by the sea
dat gazing at the twilight
dose moments of friendship
and dat belief of forever!

those times when u trust in life
when u know!
and d feeling of having met
wat u always thought existed

dose lil souveniers...just d memory
the lil' trust
the small voice
and a silent feeling

i didnt know...it wasnt meant to be!

its all gone now
am not devastated
its as silent as it was
i do not regret
but its all gone...
ders no now...

u still remain..a stranger!

wen i look at my reflection

..
i find a stranger

a strnger who's done familiar things
familiar life
familiar pain
familiar joy

yet none that seems real

when i look at my reflection
i find an ambition staring back at me
fulfilling it .. each and every moment ..she lives

yet .. nothing that’s real

for the real lies
in my conscience
in all my travels
in all my feelings
that have travelled eons

it goes right into the universe
and forever explores the fourth dimension
dats my reality
dats really me

n till i find it in my reflection
my soul.. knows not rest!

more scribblezz.. early life!

One look at u is enough
My love
Even if isn’t the eyes
One word from u is enough
Even if it isn’t spoken
One here
One there
A thought is enough

For me
For u

One life is enough
To travel love
Into eternity

I begin to understand
Now
Ur love
Ur thoughts
Ur heart

I don’t think its too late
Knowing it can never be too late
We have a whole life in front of us
A lifetime
And many lives ahead

And there’ll be a time I know
One moment
When our thoughts shall be the same
When the universe would be at peace
When our love shall meet
Its own
Reflection

And I u!

scribblez from the past..

When I look at my reflection

I now see

A woman

Who lived while she died

Through life ..

not many years

She's been her best friend

Or the worst enemy

Mistakes…committed by choice

Tried out new horizons

Time and again

That left her bruised

Hurt

She suffered

By choice

But she lived while she died

Little life

Little pleasures

Simple joys

A hard fight

But when I look back

Am glad I did live the way I did

And am glad am not afraid to change today

Am glad am not afraid to make mistakes

Am glad I've learnt to be patient

While trying to reach my goals

And take up paths

That are not taken

That are more of a mirage..

Even if I am left .. wandering endlessly

But see through

Find out

What really lies at the end of the desert!

Am glad I have found my oasis!!

And I shall now look for the seas!!!

Over a cup of American Cappuccino!

It was 8 or 8.30pm that I finally stepped in. It was a hot n sultry evening.. i dont remember the date~ and i took my sweet time taking u turnz n finding a decent place to park my car. finally satisfied .. i went in...

i had apologised for the delay earlier on the phone.. blaming the traffic...the red lightz dadada.. who dsnt in this city?

it wudnt be difficult .. i thought .. to spot a white american .. in the sea of my own - brown ppl!

in fact .. i was looking fwd to it... but one fleeting glance inside the glass walled CCD while i was trying to find the parking space -- and my heart sank! i saw a white - couldnt make out if it was man or a woman -- with 'weird' looking 'wired' hair -- like those who try and copy the indian Sadhuz.... uff! NO! i would keep staring at the hair, i thought, than the man himself...throughout the meeting!
bah! i told myself...stop being a prick n go in!

I went in! didnt care if i was looking like half drenched in sweat and super tired from the dayz work...And as my twin cameraz reeled the place inside... all backz turned towardz me.. headz leaned in closed user group conversations.. the pan shot stopped at a dreamy lookin chap .. up d lil stairs ... dreamy n lost! i knew at that moment .. it wud b him!

half relieved that the weird wired haired man sitting downstairz to the right wasnt MY man.. still i sheepishly walked some baby stepz... and jz to be doubly sure... i thought i'd ring his phone .. but while he was a good 30 secondz late to spot me... he eventually did.. and i made a non audible verbal sign -- askin his name... and he nodded.. and we both smiled!

dat was Samuel S Chereskin! i still dunno wat the middle S standz for... but wen i started out.. all i cared for was that he was SAM! simply american .. i smiled to myself!

i dont think Sam knows wat my real voice is really like! my throat over the past few months -- has obstinately decided to never come back to its normal tone or voice quality.. i feel that am forever speaking in two voices.. and even then...dat is an effort! maybe this is lifez way of sayin...baby...u got to stop talking and start listening! I didnt think I was there yet!

But .. i made start with Sam!

This was an American being introduced to me through another lovable argumentative strong willed indian by birth american by expression and an interesting and contemplative mix of a boy growing up to be young man .. laughable and a funny friend of mine! my favourite adtnu! it was only in the second meeting over masala dosa and coffee though.. that Sam and i realised how much we agreed upon the duh that he iz!

thank u adtnu! Sam n i started liking each other on similaritiez on this very issue i think!

Sam sounded cheerful...and in a way glad to meet me... he was everything i had presumed he'd be.. but i realised i had presumed v lil..

a student, a curious onlooker, a chronicler, a lover of the linguisticz.. and most importantly.. he had a good smile! so i found myself smiling at him too.. in agreement with the person he waz... he looked like a citizen from the world of my liking in my head!

so our first coffee... extended to dinner... n we shared pizzas and traded some hindi lessonz for spanish!

Never mind! that was only a start! ((And only as i shall later realise...it was going to leave a far deeper impression on me...and a finer understanding of the person i was.. i am.. the shaleeneee... as Sam'z American tongue pronounces it!))

its 4 timez that i think we have met now.. and like good frenz (or iz it too soon to say that??).. we have started hating each other! Az iz.. lifez alwez been a ride for me.. ((and our first meeting had decided on itself that there wud be more meetz n coffeezz...)) i had wondered if this one would be a roller coaster or sth else.

It turned out.. to be sth else!

Coz it IS sth else to talk to a person keeping aside the behaviour patternz one is used to .. without thinking about the impression u r making! simply chatting!

Our discussionz ranged .. i should say.. expansively! from about our respective countries to people living in these two different continentz to the variables and the similarities... to anthropology and the chroniclerz of the same...

from simplistic cultural questionz to deeper religious implicationz on onez social life... and also about what kind of flour is a dosa made up of (here ofcrz i proved myself a dud) to a comaprision of the size of icecream cupz in this country and his own and (bwn linez i figured he liked sushi and i cant even imagine eating raw fish!) to frenz to .. literature (aah... dat really put a smile on my face ... but a sad one this time i realised.. ) .. yes...also to psychology..

and this variety was characterised with a characteristic difference.. these conversationz were marked with no social pressurez... coz we two were from two different societiez.
no judgementz... bec we didnt have a common backdrop to start with .. and so we freely spoke.. and i once again.. was learning how to communicate..

Itz an excellent feeling to talk to a person like that .. esply...if all this iz completely unconscious! maybe at this point i should stop n .. say .. that i enjoyed Sam'z company!

Am often accused of over analysing anything and everything.. but nvr mind...here i go again!

I think all this was partly bec he was an American .. and i was figuring out how American sensiblities worked..and the way and the direction in which the American grey cellz trotted...
through the simple reflectionz... when may times he didnt understand when i joked.. or i didnt understand his!

but for the first time and more clearly so... i observed the working of an Indian mind..

through how i had safely presumed .. ((thanks to some exposure to American teen frenz at school and my own interest in studying people and different culturez .. plus observing and listening to the endless chatter of my dear frnd adtnu...)) that I am slightly more tolerant towards this American... maybe more than my fellow indianz...

And it was only in these days that I observed how i was faring in welcoming a foriegner in my country! Hardly i think i had ever given it a thought! But yes... i was absorbing everything .. just like Sam was on the other end! I should say it was fun!

Like i didnt know .. "how religious" people are in the United States... like Sam didnt know that when i used the phrase "how religious".. i meant to ask sth different .. and like how i didnt know again... and was surprised... that our answers to the same qnz .. sounded v similar!

like i didnt realise realise that i hardly understood how seriously Americans took their 'health care providers'.. -- even after working for more than 4 yrz as a health journalist -- and having access and exposure to many cnn stories!! it was alwez jst a phrase to me.. but speaking to Sam.. changed that! We had a tough battle on whether he should be taking Anti malarial medicationz -- that his 'healthcare provider' advised him to..!!

I was enraged when i first heard that! anti malarial medz?? when therez NO malaria in my country just now! how silly! Xcuse me.. but hello you westerners...where do you think Sam was stepping into -- a disease ridden third world country! U R MISTAKEN! Malaria is seasonal -- and thankfully and althought it IS the season... WE HAVENT REPORTED MALARIA CASES in the year 2009!

those were my 'want to beat that sh** outta ur head' thoughtz... and Sam was the victim! I hadnt opened my mouth...but my facial expression did it ... and well.. another arguement followed!

it took me 5 minz to realise that Sam was acting acc to his docz advice... and he wasnt to blame! my anger melted when he earnestly looked at me and asked...what i thought he should do!
i realised then.. that this American wasnt conceited... nor was he going to assume the know all attitude..
i realised a westerner could have a similar thoughtz like i did! i realised that we could have similar concernz...
i realised how young Americanz could be pretty inclusive in their attitude...surprisingly more than i had thought myself to be..
i realised that Sam wasnt here with an intention to only re-inforce the divide in the culturz...but to form some new opinionz of his own...and those not necessarily about the divisionz..
i realised that this American was giving my country a chance.. to impress upon his thoughtz... what India iz like!
i realised... Americanz dont necessarily have an attitude that went AGAINST my country.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And herez then what i understood of myself...

One -- how defensive i was about my country! how VERY defensive i was abt its image! and how AGGRESIVE i could get if that image were to be disturbed .. esply if a westerner did not SHARE it or ADOPT it!

And I am not proud about the last two attitudes!

I realised how i was NOT independent...of the bollywood slash media influence of the distant westerner! that i had bought it! huh!

I realised how (without realising) i was trying to influence the American sitting in front of me! and how i so desperately wanted to match up! In saying that my country is SAFE and GOOD! And not like a white man may presume it to be!

I Realise!

I realise that there is truth --

both in his concerns and mine! him worrying abt a mosquito byte and my worrying about my countryz image!

But whatever i realised about the American .. more often did i catch myself getting to know better ... the Indian bwn the two! honestly till this point.. i didnt know much about the way i thought..

I realised that more than the American having presumptions abt my country..I was carrying more presumtionz about his presumptionz...sorry Sam .. if i ever offended u bec of this!

In the infancy of my observationz... i called it -- being 'nationalistic'.. was surprised at how many 'nationlistic feelingz' i had stored in me!

But it only hitz me now... as i write this...that maybe Sam was right when he jokingly accused of being a racist..

n at this point.. i hurt myself...associating myself with the word racist!

but i am glad i clearly understand now .. that the anger of the AGAINST .. that i have observed in the past few dayz .. (and i am not going to spare myslef here in any way or try give any justification whatsoever) ... is also being a part of being a racist! subtle...but nevertheless!

i say that because I feel now in a way.. that the action of hating someone for their perceptionz about u.. only lessenz the tolerance for the other.. and any action that leadz to such a result i feel.. is in inclination and a building block of racism.. I detest that...i am in complete disagreement ...and i disapprove following ane such path!

Only even i didnt knwo that i was practically there!

Thank u Sam .. helping me know myself..
Thank u.. for u took the offences..

Interestingly, it was sth in Samz blog that i read -- that hit me home!

"There is a line in a movie about writing that I keep thinking of. An old Sean Connery asks why it is that the words we craft for ourselves are so much better than the ones we write for others. I have been pondering this line’s logical extensions for days now."

Since i read these...I have tried in full justice.. to undo the logical extensionz... all this was a part of the effort... I have started with myself...

And i hope to myself that ... I build myself into a better person.. and a better citizen!

I have started to listen... and not just chatter one sided!
If this is the right path in life... i hope my throat getz better now -- and that i find my real voice!