Sunday, February 22, 2009

With great freedom ..comes great responsibility!

The struggle has an irony to it..
Atleast in my mind…

Dunno if that makes it better .. or..

You see now… wen I know that my reality…each moment of it…is my choice…

I struggle to accept it…
for the simple reason …that its not all rozy!

So then how can I enjoy my choice?
How can I cause myself to suffer?
Would ..
Does ..
aneone..ever do that?
Nah!!
Hw can one?

And If itz my choice…y doez it hurt meee??

And ..the more I observe …the more I realize
Sigh!
that it indeed is .. my choice!

Damn! Me!
The 2 most difficult wordz to pronoune!
Half of the time.. now… I hate myself!

Coz’ I cause
My own sorrow
My own shame..
My own lame
N my own .. everything!

My own – Responsibility!

aaah the crucial word!!
...
..
.
And one... dat’ll change everything now…atleast the line of thought!

Tellme … wat is that we alwez promised ourselves as we grew up?
Jz what is it that we wanted to create?
Wat did we tell ourselves everytime we were hurt by the so called big bad world?
What wen we hated our parents?
Wat wen we lost frenz?
Wat wen u saw ppl discriminate…and lemme add…and thought that that was wrong?
Wat when we felt … d world is too screwed to live in?
Wat when …

I’ll tell u…atleast wat I thought … was a solution..
Simple…that I’d create my own world!

;)
Aur nahi to kya…fk ‘em man! Who carezzz!
They didn’t care a shi’ abt me…do u think I would?
Yes… I would…coz I am not them!
And so my world…wouldn’t b like theirz!!

a world wer...i am the center...
so...wat comez from me ..n goez out...is in my handz...is my choice!

And how do u think .. I can make my world?

I’ll have to build it brick by brick …I knew!
Hope that I’ll find fellow masonz…
if not.. still carry on… I knew!
Will have to be extra careful…I knew…
((so that with time and variety...and teh ever powerful dillusionment...
the essense is not lost...nvr lost!))

abt wat goes into each brick…
the colour, the structure...
made of stuff that dznt hurt…
yet has the right amount of roughness n rigidity…
so that it dznt collapse…I knew!

How much of everything?…no clue…but I’ll find out…I knew!

I.. will have to be doing it! …I knew!
Together or alone! …I knew!
Expect ntn .. if not …not much!...I knew!
Jz give! …I knew!

The lil’ bonus...set an example… for future takerz if any! Dat too…to make sure…that my belief livez on!
Ha… the belief!!

Hmm… but ..
since I knew…and took it up
Wat did I need then to be able to achieve it?
simple…the power to create it!

and wats that made up of?

Y honey?
I need a mind of my own!
To follow n b faithful to itz own..
Beliefz n changez both!
A heart to pump in strength!
And keep a note of all the experiencez!
...one that never diez!

n I require both of ‘em to take the onus
Of
my own hard work…
my own failures
my own successes
my own strengthz
my own weaknesses
opportunities…

n all that followzz
like
my own joyzz…
..
My own sorrow
My own shame..
My own lame
N my own .. everything!

So wasn’t it that that I alwez wanted?? ;)
How can I then reject my own choicez? ;)
Y wud I? ;)

Struggle .. irony .. or whatever!

I alwez wanted it!

…..

….



..

.
i agree now...

Whoever said.. it…said it right!
With great freedom ..comes great responsibility!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

converzationz with the seeker

me: hmmm
so wat else

seeker: nothing major.........juist same old
you tell me
me: mmm
ntn much too
seeker: can I ask you some question.......it might upset you tohugh
me: go on
seeker: ok
well do u bieleve in god?
me: yes ofcrz
how wud dat upset me
seeker: well the folowwing question ..............
which is
why?
me: ok go on
not becoz...d world says he IS
its coz i know .. i feel he IZ
;)
seeker: well not every one says that
me: mmm
yeh sure
derz ntn common for everyone anewe
seeker: so what made you bieelve in it
me: my own search
seeker: any particular experience you would like to share?
me: mmm
sumthing i live in all the time
seeker: what was he like or she like
me: if u ask me....if i saw him...met him...
d fact is.. i live in him...
seeker: no even if you felt anything
is it him for sure? or it could be her
me: god'z ma conscience
it dznt matter
gender is of the world
we just give it a form
male female are actually energies...dat exist in both men n women
seeker: is it provable? that there is a god
me: have i proved to myself ... dat der is god?
yes
can i prove it to u??
i cant
maybe i wont
d seaarch is ur own
u r more than welcome to blv wat u wud like to blv in
seeker: well I am curious that you and I are not made very dffrently other than some sexual differences and yet you can feel something which I cant..................can I sense god like you with any of the 5 sneses?
me: der r more than just the five sense ;)
trust me!
seeker: tell me about it...if you have it I should have them too
me: hmmm...
love
dat transcendz all
and am not saying it after reading sum bookz...
this is my personal experience
u know...if'uve read my blog
i talked abt my childhood n all
seeker: i have
me: wat i did not mention in all that ..
is the one force that got me through
that saw me through
my belief in myself
forget the whole world
fk deir definitionz
but wen i sit in front of the potrait .. which i blv to be god
and wen i look into those eyez
i know i am loved
and den ntn else matterz
its that ultimate feeling bwn two ppl
fk the whole world... jz look at it in ur own termz...b ur true self...and u'd know......

seeker: well how do you find god meaning how you feel him? when etc
me: hmm...
how do or wen do i feel god!
in the morning wen i wake up... my first conscious thought... is my god!
seeker: does he/she has a name?
me: its the feeling of the self ..
dat i live for me!
seeker: how does he/she looks like? what language he speaks
me: he's a feeling
full of love
he acceptz u just teh way u r
d smaller picture dznt matter
even u become the most crudest n d worst fellow in the whole world....he'd still love u
he'd still let u b u..
dat is god!
d ability to love unconditionally
seeker: so you think that god made humans?
me: dependz on wat u r referring to as humanz
seeker: mankind
me: d world with all its belief systems??... the mental aspect of it??? no that s sumthing the men evolved...
to gain experiences n understand
and they are pretty much reqd
if u r talking abt the biological aspect...
well..i havent asked god yet!
;)

...contd...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sigh!


aahhhhhhhhhh!!!

They say even a sigh – has a history!!

So true! Just observing that one single breath can tell you wat you really feel! Something u’ve been pondering on for days, weeks, maybe months! But that one lil’ breath.. is your acceptance… to take life as it comes! Coem to think of it…its the most honest gesture we make!

Atleast I do!

Why am I sighing?? Coz… I have been struggling to accept!
If you ask me wats wrong…I’d say eveything’z just right……and dat is just wat is wrong!

Those who find ane sense in the above statement…can read on..
...otherz who dismiss it as a weird mind’s weird thinking…may as well…not bother….I’ll understand…everything will sound insignificant naturally!
..
.


But for those of u do…and find some truth in the statement…

I’d like to share a story

When I was kid… I used to think that there’s a big bad world out there (never understanding y is it bad)…and the only responsibility u have is to make sure…u have at least one ‘good’ story to tell at the end…wen you die (and dats got to be urz)
So I dint hate it, the big bad world, much then…just dismissed it …as it wasn’t worth it!

But as I grew up… sumwer I gave in…just for a while…and let it hurt me…and that’s when I started hating it…
And for yrz…the pain continued

Dats when I actually developed the habit of remembering (instead of just ‘completely’ living in the present)…good memories became ‘important’…coz they stemmed hope…despite anything and everything!
And each moment .. I decided to live on…I thought I’d won it!

Until I realized …the choices that ‘I’ ‘had’ ‘made’!

The choice of rejecting…resenting the present
Yet living it
The choice of crying out aloud
Like the whole world was to blame
The choice of choosing the image of ‘good’
The choice of being ‘good’
The choice to live ‘it’
The choice to not let go
To remember things
Both good and bad
And the choice
‘To judge’

((Aaah…if I were asked today ‘what is it that you’d like to pass on’ .. the only information .. to make sure that the world lives on… I’d say my love…don’t judge! Neither thee, nor thy love…nor urself…nor any human on the face of the earth…or beyond…please don’t ‘judge’…and u shall then live my dear…for wat u actually came for!

But yeh! Since no one is asking me ;) I better get back to my story…))

And what do you think happenz when you start to judge..??? y my dear.. you become the queen of your own world…and u start living her…the image let me remind u!

Oh varied and vivid were the images I tell you…the ones that I have lived…and imagined…and brought them into my reality!
Fighting for ideals
Beliefz
Strength to strength
Moment to moment
All the while…moving towards a goal

Until I realized…
That there was no goal
That my goal was me
My image

The one I had already chosen
I was already living!

Oh yeh! The reality!

You see…all this while…I was convinced…that I was right…I was correct…I was good… I was strong…I was human…like one ought to be…I was …
Sigh!
I accept it…dat was me! And I don’t regret it a bit!

The reality confused me for a while!
But then, the day I smiled at it…it smiled back!

And today I still smile at it…just that I haven’t merged it yet! Am better frndz with it…and therefore…I ‘survive’ despite ‘it ’… but oh! how I still get confused…
The fact that my reality is my choice!

The hurt is different now .. u see..
The struggle has an irony to it
Atleast in my mind
Although…this is the only truth or the ‘kind of’ truth…am confident…that am ever to find!

What surprises me is that…in so many years of my life…I haven’t yet learned to love!

Ohh wat a waste it seemz!
Such a simple thing and I dunno it!
I still look for it…
Around corners and bushes
When the reality
Is that its an illusion to look for it

You search…its natural…
Not look

And the search, my dear, is in ur own heart…the only reazon y god made a heart!

The only responsibility you have therefore…is to make sure you listen to it…and not grow alien to her language as you add yearz!
I did that…and dats all that I lament…


..
.



But…dear heart…I still have sumthing to offer u… my life!

I am living for u…I shall live for u! (aaa…Atleast either of the statement’s is correct!)

Its sort of became an unknown territory for me…but I promise you that I’d tread it! hoping that to find the strength in trust…(aaah…look at the irony)…something that I’d taken away from u!

I wonder now…who serves the other?? Is it my heart talking it out…or is it me?

Either wayz…this is the clearest my mind gets…for the moment!
I repeat...those who understand a strand…can hang on to the thought…the truth part of it!

Otherz…
…mite as well not bother…
….I’ll understand…everything will sound insignificant naturally!!