Wednesday, December 30, 2009

In this.. am all alone!

Maybe good timez will come!
Maybe I will smile again
And be happy!

Maybe one day
I will look back and laugh about it

Maybe one day
I will grow to be more important
And life will take diff turnz
So that I would already have forgotten
Way back till here
Even in the memory

Maybe one day
I would be just happy
And life
Worthwhile

Maybe one day
I will dream
another dream

Maybe the next I would have set
to find those new goalz

maybe one day
life will watch me
toiling hard
and sleeping tight
satisfied from the dayz work

Maybe one day
different people
will fill my life
gimme more love
than I ever expected

Maybe those
will teach me
lessons
that life has to teach
but tag along
and never leave me alone

Maybe one day
I will have
My own library

Maybe one day
I will live in a different city
A different country

Maybe one day
I will be happy

Maybe one day
I will have built a home
In me
Outside me
And fill it up with people
Who matter to me
And to whom I’d matter

Maybe some day…

..

But tonight
Am all alone
Completely so
In the presence of what you’ve given me in my life
Your absence

.. tonight it seems
I have to go through

Tonight
I will have to live through

Just one more day
I have to take
And keep on living
Till that day arrives

When everythingz past
When its all over

Tonight though
Am all alone!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

this yr, dat day...

Last year around this time!
I had set out to find love!

Almost 3 hundred and 65 days later – I would say I have found it!

In friends …
Their laughter
Mingled with mine
Couldn’t have guessed whose happier ..because I got a raise! :)

The tremor in their voices
When I was nearly in tears
Or when I tried to be strong
And they cried for me instead!

In the teas and coffees
In the dances
Or the jigz
In bday cakez
In drunken brawlz
N in driving all nite
The whole year through

In their prayers,
In mine
I hope
In hopelessness
In faith n hurt

In everything
In every moment
With my best friends
I found love!

..

And then there were two more people…
Who continue to be part of my life
And will forever be a part of my legacy
Mum Dad!

In their raised voices
Untamed anger
Childhood scars
Role reversals
And each moment
As I found them growing up
To be my parent
I fell in love with them!

I found love .. again!

..

In many other livez
Who have become a part of my existence
Whose vigour has grown into me
And I have extended as a fresh leaf
On a twig of theriz
In those spl people
I found love.. underlying.. everflowing
That now runz in my veinz

..

In my work …
My work place
The people I met
A pat from the bosses
Complimentz from teacherz

In all that…I found love!

..

In travel
On the mountainz
Amidst deodar trees
Where the air breathed
Pure
There I fell in love!
There I found love!

..

In discovery ..
Of science
Of conscience
In every moment
That out of pain or pleasure
Made me believe in my existence
I found love!

..

And in God!

I’d declared myself a pure atheist!
But beyond my existence
Beyond my mind
My heart
Body
Beyond the great mountainz
Beyond the time
That passed n that is yet to come
In that truth!
I found what I had set out to find
love!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Bereft!

Bereft now.. I want to die!

Am tired of spinning the wordz
And talking in puzzles

To hint at my feelingz deep inside
And look like I am moving over it
the wheelz of time
Slowly and steadily!

But the fact iz
Am dying inside it
And dats all I wish for now

Am craving to end it
The rot
In my mind

Oh no.. itz ntn different!
Its not sudden
To tell you the truth
It all started when I was born
And some insist
Even before that!

I am wasting away!
It’s progressive!
The disease is progressive!

Am black inside
And outside!

Not dark
That still has some majesty
A meaning

And while I believed and made you believe
That it was all a part of a certain mystery

Its not!
Am black
Am rotting
And I choose therefore
To die instead!

That’s it
I simply want to die!
End!
Without a consciousness!
I want to dissolve!

If there is a god…
Today I pray…
Turn me into a black hole
Take me away from existence
The existence that you have given me!

I don’t want it!
I simply don’t!

Oh god!
Finally…am read to give up!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I wonder why I call out to you..

So much
So often

In sleep
In wake

Why do I hear myself
Telling myself
That you promised
You’ll take care of me

Was I hallucinating?

Or is it sth to do with your heart
Some chord that it struck
And my heart
That silently ever so
Heard

And I felt
That that cant be heard
Explained
Spoken
Just felt


Am I wrong?
When I hold on to that?

How many millions of times
Have I not told myself
That its gone
Even if it was
It only was!

But why does my heart
call out then?

You to me
Into a deep reverie
That I don’t wish to wake up from

Am I obsessed?
Maybe..
I think so yes!

But when I tell that
To myself
My heart retorts!

Jz where is the obsession?

In loving you?
But that’s my nature.

In calling out to you?
that’s what i want.

In wanting you?
What else is it but the truth?

Then how do I call it an obsession?

My poor heart!
Its wounded
Either ways
Its wounded!

And my poor soul
Its waiting!
Like its been forever!

My life!
Its wanting!

This moment!
Am living!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

derz no sunshine really.. but there r street lightz at nite!



while i was walking on that empty deserted green park road a few hourz ago...

i thought of u!

like alwez ..suddenly!

it dsnt surprise me anemore.. the thought.. am used to it! am used to u!

so u come back again .. in my life! for almost a minute! and this is ur story!


it'd be lie to say i have kicked u out.. but all the more a blasphemy .. if i say i love u still!

the fact is .. i hate you! at first .. coz u were not around.. and now.. wen u come around!

i dazed for a while.. but now.. dsnt look the like!

i have been successful! am surprised at myself! yet i do congratulate myself!

but that minute... i wished u were there!
i wished i met u .. walking on that empty street!
the beautiful delhi midnight!
the one that u loved too..

i wished u drove past!
but not miss me..
notice me
get down the car
look surprised
walk up to me..
and ask me..
wat i was doin there

n i wud have looked into ur eyez
and said... confidently..
out wid frenz

and sumhow
in just that minute..
i wud have found romance
i wud have found my story
i wud have found my existance
i wud have found u
n myself!

under the streetlightz
dat moment
i wud have forever remembered!

minutez later
i might have been wondering
wazz gonna happen next

minutez later
i might have wondered
if u r gonna call
or if i should

minutez later
for hourz to come
i wud have xamined my feelingz
u n me

hourz later
in the silence of my room
i wud have knelt down as alwez
in front of a potrait
n whisper to my life

that that was the most beautiful moment!
i wud have thanked sth to do with the way life workz .. very silently!
and slept silently!
a dreamless
but beautiful
peaceful
satisfied sleep!

...
..
.

but since u din meet!

here i am!
writin my blog!
sum tea beside me!
awake!



Monday, December 7, 2009

When the train moves, the brain rattles!


One of my frenz recently made a trip to Cal.. by train!
She traveled back to dilli .. by train!

And then her gtalk status msg .. faithful as ever .. reflected her state of mind.. and scribbled on it.. was the statement that came forth…
When the train moves, the brain rattles!

She will become a great story teller one day .. I know that!
How do I know??
She lives so many of them herself! She wont be able to help it!

I have already decided to publish her book!

So while am purely thinking business…I have to feed off her thoughts a lil’ … And start respecting and ‘believing’ in her thoughtz!

Why? Gosh! That’s what every good publisher does right! ‘Believez’ in his or her writer!

Pick up any damn book…whether its damned or not… it will always talk about how much the author ‘is indebted to the constant support and faith put in by her publishers in her work!’

So am jz practicing the same!

..
.
And in continuum of those effortz…

..
.

When the train moves, the brain rattles!

So true!

How many times haven’t I enjoyed that train of thought???

The busy platform!
I have always hated it!
I have never been the one to be patient!
The dirty, smelly trains!
The cooliez rushing past
The fear am gonna lose track searching for the compartment!
Being shoved by not people but their baggage
Almost fearing am gonna die after falling on the trackz
And not being rescued in time
The dangers of the nayi dilli platform I tell you!
How I have hated them!

Finally settling down to gloomy strangers’ faces
That uncomfortable feeling
Cursing myself

Thinking what a pain its gonna be

And then just waiting for the train to at least like get started!!

And just then
While I was busy thinking and hating
The train moved
You think it’s just a jerk…
But the hurried up bye-byes
Tell you
The journey has started!


..
.

I go through peculiar feelingz everytime I leave delhi!
Its been my only home!
I truly hate to say goodbye!

Even after going through the life and death ordeal..
I still hate saying goodbye!

I alwez board an evening train!
To down south!

And yeh … so all I have to do is go through my set of peculiar feelingz…Silly as they are .. and then fall asleep!

...
.

Morning!
Am woken up to fieldz and more fieldz!
Miles to stretch

Most have
A farmer
A bull
Or many

Some barren
Many farmz
Brick houses

And towards the afternoon
You’ll see
Hay houses! (if there’s any nomenclature referring to stacks of hay built to look like they are houses…and no am not talking about hutz)

A farmer’s wife
A cycle
A truck
A khatara bus
A motor bike

The colour everywhere is mostly brown!

The earth
The fields

Ofcourz they transform into beautiful greenz in time
And while you are behind the horizontal iron bars
Disrupted in thought
To eat, stretch, read

But watching those myriad images
Almost like they are the only truth
As your mind gets accustomed

In it…You become a different you!

Different? How?

You grow personal!
You grow private!

In it… you grow to be near you!

You often fall in and out of love in those moments
And when the feelingz outgrow you
A tear trickles down through one side
And if you are sitting among perfect strangers
You don’t want to even brush them aside

You just want to watch the sunset!
Thinking of possibilities of life outside the only one you know… you live!

..
.

On the outside
You are static
And just like the physics phenomena
you are indeed static but u r static inside a moving body

You are static outside
but rambling inside
running
rushing
gushing
an amazing number of thoughtz!
of course you’ve never made no efforts to count them at all!

And in those pleasurable moments of personal and private pain
You…
I...

used to write!
my first scribblezz!
Should I say poetry?
Literature may not forgive me…quite literally!

So I ‘d call the scribbles
A lil’ galz poemz
Those that I’d proudly show to my daddy dear
And he’d hold them .. all I’d remember yearz later …is hiz beaming face!

So
While the father was proud
And the lil’ gal thought…yet again
‘All I wanna grow up to be is a writer’!

Sitting on those wheels
I knew I felt like Yeats
Or Keatz
Coz I could imagine
How they felt

For I used to realize
What they meant one of their category said
All art is but an imitation of nature
Or
Beauty as they’d describe it
Of the flowing streamz
Or the pebbles you could se through those clear waters
Or
Simply the smell of the fresh earth
The beautiful sunsetz
The blazing onez
The redz
The dawn
The dusk
The twilight

The journey!

(( And while the literature may not forgive me for the actual scribbles…
…the lil’ story sumhow makes it to become a part of a literature itself…))

Of course… but ofcourse… while my heart could go on…

Therez alwez a destination
A city
A face
The We
The people

I would alight
back and forth
to go
to come back

And so I shall
Time and again
I know

Yet

The journey inside…
Is the best thing that I enjoy!

Traversing through myself
Is just what I enjoy!

At freedom to think anything
At freedom to feel everything
To heal
To hurt

I so enjoy…
The train of thought!

Yes indeed… When the train moves, the brain rattles!



Yet again…


My heart wanders!

Its restless again!

Just when I am coming out
Of the perceived world that I have created on my own
One that I now see as a perception
Yet live it time and again

That one..
when the cycle of doom
I feel
Is coming to an end

Or maybe
A full circle
For it’s been a cycle
And so the spokes I shall see again
And get strangled
Again

And struggle out
And take a deep breath

And think again
Feel again
That I’ve won!

Yet again!
I shall do so
I know

In that world
Out of that world

Am living
Even now
I know
And in that perceived world
After having broken down
And won
In pieces
And shreds

Where sumhow winning is all that matters at the end

And the shreds becomes the reason to rebuild

A fresh me
Invigorated

Again
By thoughts

The feeling of having won



In and out
In and out



Right now though
Am in

And am restless again!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I wanna laugh!


No ntnz changed over the past few dayz! Only I have begun seeing it!

The coccoon…am stepping out of it! The sunshine is new for this new ethereal body … but it doesn’t hurt so much!

Or am ok taking the hurt! Am growing stronger!

I think!

I might be totally wrong .. for I alwez have surprised myself! For all I know .. the next moment .. am trashed!

But there is some new sunshine!
The rockz aren’t as barren..
and yet what’z grown on them ..
bearz characteristics of what was!

Some lessons forgotten..
well... they come back at the right time!

And yet… they don’t transfix me!
They just surprise me!
But they don’t shock me..
They don’t force me to move the ball to a different court!
I don’t change a thing…
Its only addz up!

Ah now I see..
What many must have seen ahead of me.. or will see after me!

I now see ... why people accept life just the way it iz!
Aaahh!! And so that’s y…

After all… it is your own life!
Well! So be it…and wish the best!








….

Why am I writing this then?
Such a simple thing after all!!

For those who wonder so…






Each step that I take
I promise
Is my own

But
As I see myself traversing diff paths
Traveling those .. that otherz have chose
I have begun
Mingling mine with theirs

And yet at each step..
I know .. its my own

THATS new to me
The dawn
The dusk

No .. am sure I have done this all my life
Walked
Walked
Walked
And more!

But in that particular world
Where only you exist
And the world exists …only because you exist

The world I know.. when my eyes close finally
Will close down too

When I slip into sleep into a dark slumber
And my memory fades and fails
And so shall I then fail this world and let it fade

When my consciousness will refuse to awake
When it shall go on .. journey the fourth dimension
And not look back

When my body and mind
Will fail and fade…

And till its doesn’t .. the world that exists…

In THAT… world of my own
THIS is new to me

But still… why am I writing this?

Haven’t I alwez traveled inwardz?

I have
That’s not new

But what’s new
Are the inner layerz
That have opened into me!

Like a lotus
A thousand petals!

I smile!

I have a reason now.. to laugh at it!

Why? I just got a new inside!

;)