Shalini…

Is wondering what is she doing with her life?
Is she living it, loving it or kicking it while she’s still alive?

She is experiencing something different, something new.. as ever! She’s understanding pain. She’s understanding people. She’s listening to a certain voice inside herself! The kind she heard in the past, from some people, many people, and had wondered why – just why? What’s the point in living like that?

Maybe this is what had alluded her all this while, all these years actually. Growing up! Maybe it is about learning to live with confusions. Maybe it is about believing that life is (pardon my language) screwed and the only adjective for the way it is going to be lived is ‘ironically’. An inner thought process that consists of hate, love and associated complexities.. and in giving up on it.. comes the release.. the acceptance.. and the living! Sounds complicated? To put it simply, going with the flow!

Maybe the only knowledge that one gains is that there’s always more to be gained. You can never by the Atlas, forget shrugging it! Ynever know really yourself, forget others!
The only observation, is that you forever wait for the death or many deaths, always wanting to skip the living part of it. Living it .. but wishing you could die. Wishing madly, as if its an elixir that you are asking for. Strange! Very strange!

Maybe that’s growing up!



Shalini wonders again – just what is the point in living like that?

Voices echo in her mind! Life isn’t a dream baby! Life isn’t what you imagine it to be! Fate! Destiny! A distant echo .. Shalini is hearing!

And there is anguish! The experience is such! The ‘living like that’! There’s an old Guru Dutt song that’s humming in her head! She feels for that film maker – a simple man – made very simple by the extreme number of complexities he portrayed – singing his songs in all honesty – why? He like her, she felt, was awestruck by life! And the humming in her head continued!

Shalini is wondering what is making her think all this. She’s now desperate to catch hold of that feeling and anguish -- that made her start typing these very lines! What was it again?

Something to do with an experience which also reminded her of faces from the life that’s past… some understanding et al… some .. oh god what was that! Whatever it was!

Shalini is still reeling! Her eyelids refuse to activate! She knows the pain isn’t yet enough to kill her. But she’s slipping into a deep slumber! Only her fingers are working. Why? Whom does she want to share all this with? And why?

Maybe .. she smiles now..

She’s also wanting to skip it .. skip the living part of it! She is hoping that once the secret is out in the open…she’ll be just fine! She will not be playing the character anymore that she is! Maybe when its common knowledge.. she’ll cease ..

And that Shalini will get some sleep!
..