No..i didn't think it would hurt.. I had lied to myself.

I thought I had it under my control. Really.

But this morning, just as some bile that I can feel rising inside me, I feel my mind, disturbed. Perturbed. I hadn't imagined it coming. At least, not blowing me up

For in my eyes too, I feel a slight wetness. And that is what, I suspect, is causing it all. That is just what, I hadn't anticipated.

So atleast one thing is clear as I follow my own thoughts. It is not about another living being, not about friends, nothing to do with his or her emotions, nor his or her actions. It is indeed to do with .. the bile or that slight witness.. both mine, both threatening me.

Uncomfortable they are. Angry they are. Amazing they are. Enemies, they tell me, they are. 

The kind that stick to you.. inside your own being. So that you just cannot detach yourself at the word go. They will perish only when you feed it with you entire attention. They will perish only when a certain part of you perishes with it. They will perish only when you go through those circles of emotions. The head is spinning, fingers typing out fast. Breathless. But I already know, these feeble attempts, to be of no use. I will have to get consumed, now or..till the moment I can fight. Get consumed, I will.

As I follow my own thoughts a lil' farther, I sense some strength..from some unknown source. Am confused by it now. I do not know what's coming. Or is it just a matter of time? Am thinking.

Already, it seems farce. Its true, but just why does it arise anyway? Experience tells me, fighting isn't exactly asked for.

Yet I know, that my fingers go on. I have already freed myself of the metal bangle, that I wore in the morn.. to stop it from slowing me down...

And now the breathlessness is settling down as a pain...and I know from now on, it shall settle into my eyes. Every other soul, shall view it. 

I feel the pain somewhere in the right side of my cast. My eyes are paining too. I had been wanting to sleep. Now I know, i won't be able to.

I hurt. I am. I hurt.  I bow my head. I raise it again. Oh why is it so difficult..losing? And well, not losing itself, but the idea of it, that that really hurts.

I knew what was going to happen. I saw it coming. Rather going away. But...as ever... its not the outside that eludes  me.. its the inside that takes me by surprise..

And I thought I had it under my control. Really.