A past never buried! But never to come alive!

Everything …almost everything evokes in her…a past never buried! But never to come alive!

…

This newness was soon becoming a habit! And she was used to this habitual behaviour of her heart! But it hurt, nevertheless, and it hurt every single time! But, amazingly so, it took faster to heal! And as she types this out, time is her only hope! Real hope!

She had a lot to type down… from her past.. but she never wrote all that! u know! It kinda gets freaky! Freakier, when she realizes the nuances it has .. nuances that reflect on her now… she gasps for breath .. but still can’t write!

Every single time though, a chord of happiness touches the heart, that’s her's… it squeaks with pleasure… it feels like nirvana…a redemption of sorts, a longing fulfilled… but then…

But then… there’s another stroke that follows! She doesn’t know yet whether this is just an intellectual itch…you know…that of remembering some past, accidentally made habitual, without realizing the consequences… or she consciously so, likes to drown in that storm of feelings, which some past, laid the foundation for…for her to build on…

She doesn’t know!

She tries to observe her mind then! Is it an ego inflated? You see, at times, its exciting to be different! To have a different than a normal story to tell… and if the tale is terrible, it makes for better telling! So she wonders… has she…you know…just mistaken a halo.. to be a real pain… imagined it settling down instead …around her throat…and tightening every time..

Did she just imagine it?

Am sure she did! That must be the case! I know her very well! She’s a prankster! Her mind shan’t rest! That must be it…

But why oh why then…

Why does it then… that something.. suddenly.. comes tumbling all over her...every single time...she's err...happy!!? Why has she wept so many times…sitting in that bathroom cubicle… stifling!? Why has she had to put up a poker face for the rest of her day, smile over her tears…waiting for a decent gong to rush out from work? And to her panic…realizes that home may just not be a place to rush to…Oh she panics even more…where to…then just where should she go? Where? Oh where?

Why does she panic every time? If it’s a play of her mind…can’t it see what’s this is doing to her…like now? Does it like to see her…reduced, crouching unto herself, wanting to dissolve… loose her identity…once for all?

Can’t the mind play then stop?

Or am I mistaken? Could this pain be more than just a thought process? I would still like to believe the thought out version…and it would be far simple to just blame her…but after all these decades…of watching her like this…I wonder if I have been wrong? The quality of the pain makes me reel! And the thoughts associated… are somewhat new too!

Could this be real?

Am still thinking..

Did this parallel thought process of real pain and real reason, besides which life carried on, always exist? Did she ditch it…in her bid to survive? Did she try to duck it all…as a child? And so now… has to deal with these ghosts from the Christmas Past? Did she? But how come she never realized it? She just thought that these thoughts were non existent! Then when did they start existing? Or are they newly-born?

How can a past seep into the present…and severe it in way…such that the present becomes only a continuous past?

Maybe she finally, just, has to bow down to this pain…and let it in… 

A successful escape from some history, doesn’t ensure freedom in the same future…One has to fight the battle! She realizes now…

Coz at the moment.. the pain is real! Very real!

What sparked it off? 

Everything…almost everything evokes in her…a past never buried! But never to come alive!

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