The story of Desire

At least you know, don’t you? 

I am all silence these days. I don’t know how long this shall last. But I am more comfortable this way. Takes too much energy to speak to someone. Anyone. Any person. I am my own person these days. 

By my own person, I mean I am with you. In my thoughts. In my soul. In that I find comfort. You know that.

People tell me I am no good. They mean I am not being good to them. I know that. When I look at me with their eyes, I agree. But their eyes are all that I can share and do for them. For my heart is set on a different thing. On you.

Call you my dream, my past, my future. Or a dream that was the past and is also the future. Anyone and everyone here, I allow, to choose the nomenclature. But for me, you are the only truth.

I can’t do anything now, but wait. And it is better done in silence. I, then, know that I am on the right path. For when I speak only with myself, I am reminded of you, clearly. With every breath. With each strength. In every weakness. In each desire. I know then, clearly, that it is you who fills me.

I find it funny that the same people have taught me about god, do not like me to traverse these unknown waters. Unknown (it can be) only to the inexperienced. But I suspect, to a point of belief, that each one around me has taken up this journey in their own lil’ way. I refuse to believe no one has. Impossible I feel it is. How much can a soul stay away from the core? How much can one live away from one’s truth?

I am sure they have traversed these paths that I am on now. But they do not seem to want to understand me. To see it as it is. And to see that I am a living person. That there is a heart that is beating inside me. That it is set on a something. And call it a strength or it's biggest weakness, but it beats. And I am only listening to it. Carefully. And then I must follow the sound of those footsteps. I feel I must be late already but follow now I must. That is my only truth. That is my only god. And all that, at times, is best done in silence.

And I do so in the sunshine I wake up to. In the fog that envelopes me. That lil’ flower white and serene, I see and I remember, from the eras past.

I am just like them too. Silent. But living. With you. My desire of me.
...

मैं कोई और नहीं..

तुम्हारा इंतज़ार हूँ..

अपने इस सच का क्या करूँ

जीने नहीं देती

न चैन से मरने देती है

आधी रात को जगाती है

और जब तक के मैं मान नहीं जाती
के बस यही सच है
ये मुझे सताती है

जब तक मुझसे यह दो बात सुन न ले..
सताती रहती है

किसी और बहाने से
कुछ और तरीके से
कुछ छुपा कर
कभी गुनगुना कर

नहीं
कोई तरकीब नहीं मानती

अब मैं क्या करूँ
कैसे कहूँ
और फिर कितनी बार कहूँ
अब तो कहने का जी भी नहीं करता


कोई रास्ता हो तो दिखाओ
कोई उम्मीद हो तो बताओ
हार गयी हूँ
अब तो मान जाओ

गुमनाम होकर
यूँ चुपचाप रहकर...

तुम में ही मैं हूँकोई और नहीं

बस यही सच है

मैं
तुम्हारा इंतज़ार हूँ
बस इतना सा सच है

जो मैं नहीं कह पा रही
तुम एक बार कह दो...
और कुछ नहीं
इस इंतज़ार को एक नाम देदो
इस सिलसिले को फिर एक पहचान देदो
मेरी चलती हुई साँसों को
एक वजह दे देदो
मुझे मेरी.. पहचान दे देदो..

मैं और कोई नहीं...
बस..